Monergistic Satire

Did you know that you can live a Christian lifestyle and leave God completely out of the equation? It's a growing phenomenon of Evangelical Christianity: practice Christianity without involving God at all. I would like to give you a few pointers on how this can be done. Perhaps it should be a book. No, wait a minute ... I believe there are several books in the 'Christian Living' section that outline these points rather clearly. I have compiled and consolidated them all here for you:

Replace true spiritual discipline with rote religious practice It is okay if you practice the disciplines of reading the Bible and even praying, as long as there is no heart in it. Put in your time - or, better yet, make everyone think that you've put in your time. It's best that people believe that you are highly spiritual and religious and that you pray a lot and that you really know your Bible. If you're good you can make people think that you are indeed spiritual without ever turning a page of the Bible or wasting a whole lot of time actually praying.

Replace the Holy Spirit with Human Wisdom This is critical. People will think that you're more than a bit strange if you spend a lot of time talking about 'being led by the Spirit'. Try to make your decisions in the most prudent, man-centered, wise way you know how. "Led by the Spirit" requires God to actually be involved with the process and that can get messy and uncomfortable and, frankly, it's just too hard.

Insulate yourself from community by replacing authentic, accountable community with mere church attendance. The key here is to make sure that you put in your appearance and that you give the impression of involvement. Make sure that you limit your contact and your activity to a set amount of time each week. Whatever you do, don't allow there to be any deep relationships in the context of church. Keep them happily at arms length. The danger lies in the fact that if you get to know someone too well, they will think that they have the right to speak into your life and that is bad because when people speak into your life, they often point out things deeper than surface issues. The key is evidence of God without the pain of God. So keep it shallow. Of course, if you feel like you're doing too much 'church stuff' and this 'community thing' is getting to be too much, you can always pull the "I need to spend more time with my family" get-out-of-church-free card. No one ever argues with that one. You can go home, put the kids to bed early and catch the 'Fear Factor' rerun without any fear at all, and better yet, without any guilt. You're 'spending time with the family'.

In your children (and in yourself), replace true heart repentance and restoration with moral manipulation and bribery. The main issue here is to manipulate your kids into good behavior when people are watching. You want them to practice decent behavior when they're home with you, as well - otherwise they just drive you crazy. So the key here is to bribe and manipulate your children into 'acting right'. Make sure they know that if they behave you will reward with untold riches and ice cream, and if they're bad Santa Claus is watching ('he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when your awake') and there will not be any presents for Christmas. Unashamedly make use of money, if you have to. A bribe is a bribe is a bribe. It doesn't matter if it's cash or junk in a Christmas stocking. The key is to do what it takes to make your children behave themselves. This will allow you to avoid the hard work of requiring repentance and restoration. That gets quite difficult and obnoxiously messy. Keep it on the superficial and easy level of manipulation and bribery. God will stay completely out of the equation.

Equate Bible knowledge with God knowledge. It is really good to know a lot about the Bible. This will help you immensely as you pull off the façade of God-less Christianity. In fact, the Bible can become your most effective tool. Try slipping a little bit of Bible knowledge into conversation when you can. However, another key to all of this is to make sure that you are reading your Bible instead of actually pursuing God in any sort of relational way. Read for the sake of head knowledge. Understand doctrines and words. Don't worry about taking the time to see how it all fits together, and don't worry about anything 'speaking to your heart'. If you read something really astounding, particularly if it makes you sound smart, remember it. That way you can drop it into a conversation on Sunday (see: "Equate Superficial God-talk with real accountability and fellowship"), or while seeing church people at Starbucks, or at a Bible study. That's always good. The point is that you should know enough about your Bible to do two things:
1. To impress others
2. To ease your conscience

Equate superficial God-talk with real accountability and fellowship. This one can be fun - and it is particularly important that you pull this off around church people. Pepper your Sunday conversations with well-placed "praise God's". Preface all your absolute statements with "It's the will of the Lord". Make sure that people know that you've 'prayed about this'. It's good if you can talk about all that 'God is teaching you'. You can subtly slip in a 'Well, I was reading about that in my devotions this week ?" You don't have to expand on it. You don't really even have to have devotions. Just say enough to let people think that you do. Remember, the key is making people think that God is in life without the heart realites of Him actually being there.

Make sure that all of your sins and weaknesses and failings stay hidden. Don't worry about confessing them to God (remember we're trying to do this without Him anyway) and whatever you do, DO NOT confess your failings to others. In fact, it's best if you not let on that you have failings at all. Of course, you don't want people to think that you're perfect so if you have to let on to weakness come up with some good vague generalities: I don't think about God as much as would like to. Sometimes I'm not as kind to people as I would like to be. That sort of thing. Whatever you do, don't let your kids see that you are a fallen totally depraved human. Let them think you?re a really religious Mom and Dad. Of course, that blows apart when you cuss at a referee or yell at your spouse when money gets tight or scream at the stupid driver who cuts you off at the traffic light, even though she can't hear you yell. But that's okay, you can just say 'nobody's perfect - God has to forgive that kind of stuff'.

If you manage to acccomplish all of this succeefully, you will have a farce of a Christian life and you will fool all of your friends and neighbors.

Of course, in the end, you'll also get to hear the words of Jesus...


"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'
(Matthew 7:21-23 ESV)